the Sisterhood of M

Three friends glued together for life thanks to a spacious city-centre flat with uninspiring rooftop views, a welcome-all attitude and a quirky wig-making landlady. University and a lively, strange city and a beautiful river within walking distance.

An intellectual one with a sharp mind, a logical leadership style, social skills edged with straight-forwardness, and a tendency towards anxiety. A romantic charmer with boundless exuberance, vulnerable openness, a taste for traditions and an urge to make friends with everyone and explore absolutely everything. And then the third one who is not in this picture, the rather confused one in the middle who envied them both and loved them both and learned to live thanks to them both. Strangely, she was the only one who was never homesick. That one was me.

just in case I ever leave

I am committing Finland to memory for future reference.

I pay attention to the way the ice crunches under my boots as I walk to work in the morning sun. The way my neighbours say hello as we pass in the hallway. How my mother smiles when I walk into her flat. How the Finnish language flows into intriguing verb forms. How regular customers in the shop always greet me in the same way. How my best friend texts to ask me if I'm also watching NCIS right now. How the view outside my window is always stunningly beautiful, no matter the weather. How my internet connection is never down (how could it, when I have four different ones?). How I can experience Arctic temperatures when I go out and still walk barefoot in my flat.

How I feel safe - in walking through dark streets in the middle of the night. In placing orders at work and knowing I won't get it wrong. In trusting that my stove won't break down as I cook dinner, or if it does, that I can make a call and someone will fix it before I die of starvation. In knowing that if I get sick someone will take care of me and it won't break my bank. In being able to predict how people think and act. In always having someone nearby to talk to.

In essence, Finland is Home and Safety. So how much is Freedom worth?

and a mustard seed afterthought

mustard seed thirteen (a.k.a. coming home)

Could there be two more beautiful places on earth to leave your heart? Between Sea and Fire there is nothing but Peace.

say I am wonderful

I look at an old picture of myself in ill-fitting clothes and cannot understand how I could love myself back then. Did I? Could I at all identify myself with my own body?

At some point in my life I acquired a dress sense which is now such an integral part of my identity that I feel almost physically ill if I wear something that doesn't fit me. Some people say they dress how they feel. I dress how I want to feel (not that it always works).

There should be nothing but beauty in the world. I work on that. I want to add to it.

nouns of March

Shocking diaries and Andromeda adventures (2006)
Abysses and shadows (2007)
Kiss resistance and wet feet (2008)
Jasper bracelets and angel choirs (2009)
Blizzard shopping and American wisdom (2010)
Crowded minds and sunset colours (2011)
Supermarket miracle and dream fuel (2012)

as one incapable of her own distress

Over a lazy Saturday coffee I try to list good things that have emerged out of my seven Finnish years of tribulation. There are indeed a few. And today, there will be a road trip through sunny snowscapes with good friends and a good man I hope to sit next to. At our destination, there will be cake.

And when I feel down, I am comforted by the thought of curling up on my sofa with a glass of wine and my latest TV-series addiction. Pathetic, yes. But there is also an element of fueling my deepest desire for change until it cannot help but take off - or possibly blow up in my face (but worry about that later).

the supermarket where Superman shops

So many pictures in this blog nowadays. It used to be a plain-text, boring old blog. Shouldn't really overdo it.

I just fell in love with pictures this winter.

To balance all the pretty dreamy images, here is kitchen-sink-realism: A mugshot of the supermarket where I reluctantly go to shop for eggs and bread. The one with the unbelievable queues to the check-outs, which give you time to study all the normal and weird people around you. The other day, an old man couldn't find all the euros he needed to pay for his groceries and an impatient businessman in the queue behind him stepped in to pay the balance. That never happens in cold-hearted, cold-climate Finland. When the old man tried to thank him, he actually said: "Pay it forward." I almost proposed to him on the spot.

mustard seed twelve (a.k.a. the English Dream)

a beautiful shame

"Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you."

(G.R.R. Martin: A Game of Thrones)

mustard seed eleven